whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
