Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
