I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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