my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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