Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
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He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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