Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
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