Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
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