The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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