Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
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