He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
