my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
