my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
