my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
