I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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