wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
