i just google imaged poop.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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