before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
