Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
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