What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
BRING THE BAGELS
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
