cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
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