I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Randomize
