Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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