By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
