My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Randomize
