Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
even my farts smell like vagina
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
His nipple licking is glorious
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