The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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