You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Randomize
