Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
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I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
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Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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