Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
