she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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