I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
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