I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize