she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
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Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
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Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
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