I must be too annoying 4 u.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
