I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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