I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
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