I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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