I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
