whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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