dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
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