That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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