like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
