Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
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