hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
