I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
