Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
I want her autograph on my taint
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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