my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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