I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
