if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
