dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
That accounts for only three of the penises
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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