When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
