Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
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