my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Randomize
