Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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