i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
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