John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
