this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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