I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Randomize
