Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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