Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
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