If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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