I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
