last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
the liver wants what the liver wants
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Randomize
