stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
