So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
